Saying that a man and a woman can’t be “just” friends is like assuming that a bisexual or pansexual can’t have any friends at all because they might get a sudden urge to fuck them.
You’ve found out my secret.
I just want to bang everybody all the time.
god i want hook to be the tin man so bad
i want zelena to take his heart and try to use it to control him, gives him all these orders
that he belligerently follows to the exact letter like
she tells him to bring back information about snow and charming and he returns with the disney movie (“i’m not certain what this is, but i’m given to understand that it will explain everything you need to know about the royals”)
or to kill belle and he breaks a bell and gives it to her (“i went to a lot of trouble for that, you could at least act grateful — finding a bell that was made in some place called france was not as simple as you might suspect”)
and just in general totally fucks up her program and makes her seriously regret expecting a goddamn pirate be obedient in any way
she orders him to spy on “his precious swan” and he comes back with a detailed journal filled with a by-hourly account of an actual swan
she throws the disney dvd of snow white and the seven dwarves at his forehead and screams, “no, you one-handed idiot—information on snow white from this century" and he returns an hour later with intel on a snow drift that was snow white until “a canine appeared and marked it as its own”
like literally every villain on this show has treated hook like a dancing monkey only to be surprised he’s a belligerent smart-ass—so why should the villain who actually has monkey lackeys be any exception